The 10 Worst Singles Of 2012: We Are Never Ever Ever ... Like Ever!

"Jeez. You guys are so mean. Even if you are right, why are you so tasteless?" These were were words posted by some FLOP in the comments on last year's Worst Singles list here on Chart Rigger. And Moogaboo, my partner in all things pop, and yours D'luvvly have asked ourselves this question on several occasions: why are we so tasteless? The answer: we're not the tasteless ones, hooker; we're simply here to help the masses avoid ear-assaulting noise released by shit artistes, whether you like it or not.

This year was no exception, as there was a pile of musical cack accumulated over the past 12 months like no other. The culprits? You'll see them all below, pop fanatics. We're hear to preach it and teach it, and if you don't like it — to quote Legend Of The United States (LOTUS), Xtina — fuck you.

10. Mariah Carey feat. Rick Ross & some other flop, "Triumphant (Get 'Em)"

Moogaboo says: "Dear Mimi: it might be over — like, over-over — and I mean for real this time."
D'luv says: "This song is garbage, but that's a given — so let's get down to brass tacks. Mimi gets an A+ for her bonkers gold dress and oblivious diva posturing in the video. The true disappointment was not having a scene showing Rick Ross sex her over the boxing ring ropes and heaving up the three plates of flapjacks he ate for breakfast in her face before dying of a heart attack. I mean, WHO dropped the ball here?"
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Mariah whistle-shrieked her way to #5 on our Worst Singles Of 2008 list with her aptly-titled flop "Bye Bye."

9. Cher Lloyd, "Want U Back"

D'luv says: "Jessie J is a wretched twat. But given her absence this year, we simply substituted her on this list with Cher Lloyd."
Moogaboo says: "I give it five years before she's guest-starring on East Enders. That's kind of a compliment, though."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Ms. Lloyd easily sailed to #6 on our Worst Singles Of 2011 list with "Swagger Jagger." Brava!

8. Neon Hitch, "Fuck U Betta"

Moogaboo says: "Not for all the free condoms at a NewNowNext Awards after-party, baby."
D'luv says: "Poor Neon Hitch. Songs with 'fuck' in the title are so 2010. Look for her next single to feature such topical gimmicks as a sax solo, some whistling and Sean Paul."

7. Rita Ora, "R.I.P."

D'luv says: "Nope, not much to add here."
Moogaboo says: "The only more appropriate title would have been 'D.O.A.'"

6. Taylor Swift, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

D'luv says: "For just once, I'd like to see this broad keep her legs shut and try writing a song. I bet she can't do it. "
Moogaboo says: "This trash becomes slightly more poignant when one realizes, hey, even millionaire twenty-something songstresses can get totally twerked in the nether-regions over 16-year-old high school flops."

5. Madonna feat. Nicki Minaj & some other flop, "Give Me All Your Luvin'"

Moogaboo says: "When she's not destroying her rivals in ritualistic murder-medleys, the Vampyre Madge sometimes feels obligated to create new tunes to hump crucifixes to— but, sorry lady, this dreckitude isn't cutting it. And would someone please take away Martin Solveig's fucking headache-inducing bouncy-synth before he strikes again?"
D'luv says: "I was really, really on board for the Madonna renaissance, and it all looked so promising at the onset of 2012. There was the Golden Globe win. The Super Bowl performance. The funny Graham Norton interview. Alas, wrangling in Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. for this weak lead single off MDNA was a desperate move for Ye Olde Vampyre, and it all rapidly plummeted from there."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Who's that girl? Why, it's Madonna, duckies, and her "4 Minutes" climbed all the way to #6 on our Worst Singles Of 2008 list!

4. Maroon 5, "One More Night"

D'luv says: "Adam Levine surely has to be plagued on a daily basis by the fact that he sold his soul to corporate rock whoredom. And, really, what artist doesn't want to have hits? The anomaly here is that this faux-reggae tripe was #1 for nine weeks, and I can't hum a bar of it to save my life."
Moogaboo says: "Remember when Adam's godawful, mayonnaise-flavored vocals could only make it to #86 on the charts? Those are the days I miss."

3. Karmin, "Brokenhearted"

Moogaboo says: "These kids obviously have a generous uncle in the chart-bothering biz, so I'm just going to ignore them until their payola source dries up and they disappear forever. Fingers crossed."
D'luv says: "All I'm going to point out is this: the weekend these two happened with their SNL performance, Whitney died. Coincidence?"

2. Flo Rida, "Whistle"

D'luv says: "No, Little Johnny, Flo Rida isn't rap-singing about whistling. He's rambling on about a lady putting her mouth on his dick. And you can bet that doing so is almost as disappointing an experience as listening to this track the whole way through."
Moogaboo says: "I love that it took six writers to come up with the least subtle metaphor for cocksucking since, oh, Flo Rida's 'Right Round'."

1. Nicki Minaj, "Pound The Alarm"

Moogaboo says: "On her best day, Nicki Minaj might be mistaken for a reject from RuPaul's Drag Race, but mostly she just seems like a waste of lash glue. This overproduced anthem adds an annoying dose of RedOne to Nicki's usual try-hard mix, which I find simply unforgivable.
D'luv says: "The American dream is open to many interpretations, but here's mine: gluing a pink wig onto a grand piano, then dropping it on Nicki Minaj."

ALSO SEE:
* The Worst Singles Of 2011
* The Worst Singles Of 2010
* The Worst Singles Of 2009
* The Worst Singles Of 2008
* The Worst Singles Of 2007
* The Worst Singles Of 2006

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It's Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble" Video

Normally I'd be more interested in eating lit firecrackers than waxing philosophical over a Taylor Swift video, but I find "I Knew You Were Trouble" to be kind of intriguing. Forget the fact that the Max Martin/Shellback co-production will probably go down as the definitive moment where Taylor chucked her country cred out the window in exchange for a massive pop hit (complete with a hefty heaping of dubstep on the side). No, the Anthony Mandler video itself is a particular curiosity.

Swift starts the whole clip off by waking up in the desert, looking like Coachella exploded all over her, and spouting off some heartach-y stuff about a relationship that is now only a "kaleidoscope of memories" and the fact that "his world moved too fast and burned too bright." (The full official video isn't being embeddable until tomorrow.)

We soon see the angelic devil she's talking about. Honestly, he looks like a scuzzball lizard who slithered out of the nearest dead-end town dive bar, but, hey — knock yourself out by getting off with whatever trash is keeping your tits tweaked these days, Tay.

Their doomed relationship then plays out in flashbacks, a la a mix of Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away" and Rihanna's "We Found Love." But ultimately, Swift winds up just being a new notch in her slimy stud's belt.



I think, really, I just like how anguished and worn-out Taylor looks at the end, when she's arching and writhing in the desert. That, and her final quote: "I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are."

So deep, girl. Anyway, let's face it — the song is pretty killer.

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US Chart Roundup: I'll Be Thinking About You

I'm as confounded as anyone as to how Maroon 5 are at #1 for a seventh week, with what has to be one of their blandest singles — and they've had some really dull ones. Still, there "One More Night" sits, holding off PSY's "Gangnam Style" for a sixth week. At this point, I kind of wish the Korean rapper would just get it over with already and knock Adam Levine & Co. out of the top spot, then tumble into obscurity.

Anyway, the rest of the Hot 100 is pretty flat this week, and of course the big news is Taylor Swift's fourth album Red selling 1.208 million copies in its first week — obviously enough to debut at #1 on the Top 200 album chart.  

But eff her and all this other shit. Personally, I'm pretty smitten with Calvin Harris' new album, 18 Months (just released this week). The Ayah Marah-featuring "Thinking About You" is totally my new jam.



The U.S. Top 10:

1. "One More Night" - Maroon 5 *7 weeks*
2. "Gangnam Style" - PSY
3. "Some Nights" - fun.
4. "Die Young" - Ke$ha
5. "Diamond" - Rihanna
6. "As Long As You Love Me" - Justin Bieber feat. Big Sean
7. "Locked Out Of Heaven" - Bruno Mars
8. "Too Close" - Alex Clare
9. "Let Me Love You" - Ne-Yo
10. "Don't Wake Me Up" - Chris Brown

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US Chart Roundup: Ke$ha's String Of Top 10 Singles Continues With "Die Young"

Last week's trio of debuts within the Top 10 scatter down the Hot 100 and make way for Taylor Swift's promo single "I Knew You Were Trouble" (#5), Ke$ha's "Die Young" (#8) and Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen's "Good Time," which climbs back up to #10 after previously peaking at #8. All of Ke$ha's seven singles as a lead artist have now placed in the Top 10. And that's why she's the New Queen Of Soul.

Meanwhile, this activity has Adele's "Skyfall" dropping from #8 to #13 and One Direction's "Live While We're Young" falling from #3 to #21. Last week's other new entry in the Top 10, Taylor Swift's "Red," plummets from #6 to #54.

Elsewhere, Rihanna's "Diamonds" jumps seven positions to a new peak of #11, while Ellie Goulding's lead Halcyon single "Anything Could Happen" debuts at #75.

Over on the Top 200 album chart, Halcyon makes an entry at #9.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "One More Night" - Maroon 5 *5 weeks*
2. "Gangnam Style" - PSY
3. "I Knew You Were Trouble" - Taylor Swift *new*
4. "Some Nights" - fun.
5. "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" - Taylor Swift
6. "As Long As You Love Me" - Justin Bieber
7. "Too Close" - Alex Clare
8. "Die Young" - Ke$ha
9. "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" - Pink
10. "Good Time" - Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen

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US Chart Roundup: One Direction & Adele Will Be Having Their Way With Your Ears For Awhile

This week sees three new songs debut in the Top 10 of Billboard's Hot 100 chart — apparently only the second time this has happened (and both incidences were this year). This time around, it's One Direction's "Live While We're Young" going in at #3, Taylor Swift's "Red" at #6 and Adele's James Bond theme song "Skyfall" at #8.

This gives One Direction their second Top 10 single in the States, and their highest-charting one ("What Makes You Beautiful" peaked at #4 earlier this year). They've now matched the chart placing of "Glad You Came" by rivals The Wanted, and one-upped them, as the latter boy band has only managed one hit here to date.

As for Adele, "Skyfall" marks her sixth Top 40 single in the US, and her fourth Top 10. The song went on sale last Thursday night, and has been steadily hanging around the upper reaches of the iTunes download chart ever since, so look for "Skyfall" to climb higher on the Hot 100 once sales from its first full week are added up.

Elsewhere, after debuting at #13 last week, Ke$ha's "Die Young" slips one position to #14. Likewise, Rihanna's "Diamonds" drops down two to #18. Further down, Christina Aguilera's "Your Body" rises from #64 to #62 in its third week on the chart.

Keep jigglin', girls.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "One More Night" - Maroon 5 *4 weeks*
2. "Gangnam Style" - PSY
3. "Live While We're Young" - One Direction *new*
4. "Some Nights" - fun.
5. "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" - Taylor Swift
6. "Red" - Taylor Swift *new*
7. "As Long As You Love Me" - Justin Bieber
8. "Skyfall" - Adele *new*
9. "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" - Pink
10. "Too Close" - Alex Clare

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US Chart Roundup: Christina Aguilera's "Your Body" Belly-Flops

PSY's "Gangnam Style" may have conquered the UK chart this week, but it's unable to unseat Maroon 5's "One More Night" on the Billboard Hot 100. And even though the South Korean stud promised to perform the song shirtless if he got to #1 here, he's doing it today anyway via some Ustream trash concert. Get ready for sexy.

Three broads crash the Top 20 this week with new songs: Taylor Swift debuts at #7 with her latest Red offering "Begin Again"; Ke$ha's "Die Young" enters at #13; and Rihanna's new single "Diamonds," from her upcoming 74th studio album, arrives at #16.

Meanwhile, you would have thought that the premiere of Christina Aguilera's "Your Body" video would have helped the single, but it's now dropped from last week's debut position of #34 to #64. Maybe she didn't wear enough rainbow-colored extensions in the slutty trailer park?

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "One More Night" - Maroon 5 *3 weeks*
2. "Gangnam Style" - PSY
3. "Some Nights" - fun.
4. "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" - Taylor Swift
5. "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" - Pink
6. "As Long As You Love Me" - Justin Bieber
7. "Begin Again" - Taylor Swift *new*
8. "Whistle" - Flo Rida
9. "Too Close" - Alex Clare
10. "Good Time" - Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen

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US Chart Roundup: Where Have I Been?

Sorry for the lack of updates here lately. I'm traveling this week and I've just been inundated with trash. Sexiness will resume tomorrow.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" - Taylor Swift *3 weeks*
2. "One More Night" - Maroon 5
3. "Whistle" - Flo Rida
4. "Some Nights" - fun.
5. "Lights" - Ellie Goulding
6. "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" - Pink
7. "As Long As You Love Me" - Justin Bieber
8. "Everybody Talks" - Neon Trees
9. "Good Time" - Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen
10. "Too Close" - Alex Clare

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US Chart Roundup: Flo Rida Blown Back To #1

A fairly ho-hum week on the Hot 100, as Flo Rida's oral sex hit "Whistle" flip-flops with Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" and returns to #1. Meanwhile, Neon Trees' "Everybody Talks" (#6) becomes the band's first Top 10 hit, and Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen's "Good Time" crawls up one position to #8.

Outside of the Top 10, Alex Clare's "Too Close" and Demi Lovato's "Give Your Heart A Break" climb to new highs of #15 and #16, respectively.

And that, as they say, is that.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "Whistle" - Flo Rida *2 weeks*
2. "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" - Taylor Swift
3. "One More Night" - Maroon 5
4. "Lights" - Ellie Goulding
5. "Some Nights" - fun.
6. "Everybody Talks" - Neon Trees
7. "Wide Awake" - Katy Perry
8. "Good Time" - Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen
9. "As Long As You Love Me" - Justin Bieber
10. "Call Me Maybe" - Carly Rae Jepsen

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US Chart Roundup: Have Taylor Swift & Adam Levine Done Sex Yet?

Taylor Swift's decidedly pop "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is now the tenth song to reach #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 this year, and it gets there after selling 623,000 downloads in its first week of availability. Clearly America needs this broad to guide the people through breakups.

Taylor's single now holds second place among all-time best sales weeks for a digital single, behind "Right Round" Flo Rida, which sold 636,000 back in February 2009. That's a song best remembered for the emergence of soul legend Ke$ha.

Meanwhile, Maroon 5's "One More Night" — which, like Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," is a Max Martin/Shellback co-production — jumps up to #9, giving the band two Top 10 hits at the moment. And, god, is that song blase or what?

But, really, this brings me to the main point: has Adam Levine rammed Taylor's candy socket yet? Because you just know there's at least a #7 hit in her for when they break up.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" - Taylor Swift *1 week*
2. "Whistle" - Flo Rida
3. "Lights" - Ellie Goulding
4. "Call Me Maybe" - Carly Rae Jepsen
5. "Wide Awake" - Katy Perry
6. "Some Nights" - fun.
7. "Payphone" - Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa
8. "As Long As You Love Me" - Justin Bieber
9. "One More Night" - Maroon 5
10. "Titanium" - David Guetta feat. Sia

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Taylor Swift Releases Max Martin-Produced "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

There was a time when Max Martin producing chart-topping — or at least Top 10-destined — smashes wasn't quite a monthly occurrence. But that time is not now, especially now that Max and his frequent partner in crime Shellback are behind Taylor Swift's surprisingly un-country, un-apologetically pop-leaning "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," a single that serves as the first offering from upcoming LP Red.



All in all, "We Are Never..." is harmless fun. And it's definitely the first Taylor Swift song that doesn't make me want to smash an acoustic guitar over her kneecaps upon first listen. Then again, give it a month, when this shit is playing four times an hour across every radio format on the air.

Then I'll get to swinging a guitar...but it'll be with an electric guitar.

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